In a stunning plot twist that no one saw coming but every Facebook uncle predicted, the NFL announced today that Carrie Underwood and Kid Rock will replace Bad Bunny as the headline performers for the Super Bowl LX Halftime Show.
The decision comes just weeks after Bad Bunny’s now-legendary press conference where he promised his show would be “a celebration of global unity, rhythm, and booty.” Sources say that phrase alone caused half of Nebraska to unplug their televisions in preemptive protest.
The league’s statement, released early Monday morning, was both brief and deeply apologetic:
“After careful consideration, we have decided to go in a different direction for the halftime show. A direction with fewer bongos and more belt buckles.”
Bad Bunny, who had been preparing a lavish, pyrotechnic-laden performance rumored to feature a live jaguar and 300 dancers dressed as Puerto Rican flags, reportedly found out about his replacement through a TMZ notification titled: ‘BREAKING: Country’s Coming Back, Baby!’
According to insiders, the shift was prompted by “audience research” showing that over 40% of viewers were still traumatized by Shakira’s hip movements from 2020. “We realized we hadn’t had a halftime show your grandma could two-step to since maybe Tom Petty,” said an NFL source. “It was time to cleanse the stage with denim and Jesus.”
America Reacts: “Finally, Something I Can Clap Offbeat To”
Within minutes of the announcement, country radio stations across the South switched from weather updates to celebratory airhorns. On X (formerly Twitter, and now basically a rodeo with Wi-Fi), “Carrie & Kid” began trending alongside “Justice for Bad Bunny.”
Reactions split cleanly down generational lines:
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Boomers rejoiced, calling it “the most American thing since Bud Light was still patriotic.”
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Millennials were cautiously optimistic, saying they’d “at least recognize the words this time.”
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Gen Z, meanwhile, collectively asked, “Who is Kid Rock and why does he look like someone’s vape exploded?”
Even political figures weighed in. Former President Trump posted on Truth Social:
“Great to see REAL AMERICANS performing again! Kid Rock — my friend — tremendous guy, tremendous patriot. Carrie Underwood — beautiful voice, even better values. Bad Bunny? More like BAD CHOICE.”
President Biden responded hours later with a statement that began, “Love Kid Rocky, love Carrie Underbrush, love football,” before a staffer gently guided him away from the podium.
The Halftime Plan: Red, White, and “Beer Me”
Details about the new halftime performance remain under wraps, but leaks suggest a 12-minute set filled with pyrotechnics, monster trucks, and what one source described as “a respectful amount of American flag.”
Underwood is reportedly set to open the show with her hit Before He Cheats, performed atop a rotating pickup truck while smashing a glitter-covered guitar “for feminism and Ford.” Kid Rock will then emerge from beneath the stage in a cloud of fireworks and vape smoke, singing Born Free while wearing a bald eagle as a cape.
There will also be a special tribute segment called “God, Guitars & Grievances,” during which the duo will perform a medley of patriotic classics including Sweet Home Alabama, Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue, and Jesus, Take the Wheel (Because I’m Holding a Beer).
The show will reportedly close with a dramatic fireworks display spelling out “USA” in the sky, followed by Carrie and Kid holding hands while an animatronic bald eagle screeches the national anthem.
When asked about the theme, an NFL producer said, “It’s basically if NASCAR had a baby with the Fourth of July, and that baby grew up to own a Bass Pro Shop.”
Bad Bunny Fans Are Not Taking It Well
Meanwhile, Bad Bunny’s fanbase — affectionately known as “The Bunnyverse” — has not taken the news lightly. Thousands of fans flooded NFL comment sections with carrot emojis and bilingual outrage.
One viral post read:
“First you took Colin Kaepernick, now you take our Benito. How much can one culture endure?”
Others accused the league of cultural backpedaling, arguing that replacing a global Latin superstar with two country-rock artists was “the whitest pivot since Starbucks added oat milk.”
A spokesperson for Bad Bunny issued a statement in response:
“Benito respects the NFL’s decision, though he will now be performing an alternative halftime show from a yacht off the coast of Miami, open to all who believe rhythm is a human right.”
Tickets for the “Real Halftime” sold out in under four minutes.
Kid Rock’s Comeback Tour… of Opinions
For Kid Rock, this marks a triumphant return to the mainstream after years of yelling at clouds about “cancel culture.” Speaking to reporters from his Nashville bar, Rock expressed his gratitude in typical fashion:
“About damn time! America’s been missing some good old-fashioned noise. I promise to keep it loud, proud, and probably get fined for something.”
When asked if he’d tone down his language for the family-friendly event, Rock grinned and replied, “That depends on your definition of ‘family-friendly.’ My family loves beer.”
Carrie Underwood, meanwhile, diplomatically stated she was “honored to perform” and “hopes this halftime show brings people together — preferably on key.”
The NFL’s PR Gamble
Critics are calling the switch a desperate attempt to regain conservative viewers alienated by past performances deemed “too diverse.” One marketing insider said, “The NFL’s trying to rebrand as safe, familiar, and just edgy enough to remind you your uncle owns a Harley.”
However, analysts warn that the league may have underestimated the Bad Bunny effect. His global reach had promised record-breaking international viewership. Replacing him with two artists best known for Ford truck commercials might not have the same pull in Brazil.
“Half the planet was ready to tune in for reggaeton and glitter,” said one music critic. “Now they’re getting whiskey and Jesus. That’s… a pivot.”
Still, some argue the move could work. “It’s nostalgic,” said one fan outside an Alabama Walmart. “And I mean that literally — I feel like I’m back in 2004, and gas is affordable again.”
Final Thoughts: The Most American Ending Possible
In the end, maybe this is exactly what America deserves — not the halftime show we wanted, but the one we accidentally left playing on the radio after a fishing trip.
Carrie Underwood and Kid Rock might not unite the world, but they’ll absolutely unite every Waffle House jukebox for the next six months.
And as one NFL executive put it, perhaps too honestly:
“Look, we tried global unity. Now we’re just trying to sell beer again.”
Whether you’re tuning in for the spectacle, the nostalgia, or just to see if Kid Rock accidentally sets himself on fire with a sparkler, one thing’s for sure: Super Bowl LX is going to be loud, proud, and 100% American — for better or worse.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
