In what critics are already calling “the most patriotic course correction since Bud Light hired a bald eagle as brand ambassador,” the NFL has announced that Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny will no longer headline the Super Bowl LX halftime show. Instead, the honor will go to America’s favorite beer-chugging, truck-loving, flag-waving rocker, Kid Rock.
The league made the announcement late Thursday evening, citing “deep concerns from fans in states with more deer blinds than Starbucks.”
“While Bad Bunny is a global icon with billions of streams and a truly remarkable reach,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement, “our inbox was overwhelmed with emails from fans asking why the halftime show felt more like a salsa festival in Miami than a football game in Texas.”
He continued: “The Super Bowl is about America, freedom, and the ability to deep fry anything. For that reason, we’ve chosen Kid Rock — the living embodiment of all three.”
Bad Bunny’s replacement comes after weeks of pushback from conservative groups who argued that the 31-year-old rapper’s presence at the Super Bowl was an “invasion of reggaeton.”
On talk radio across the country, callers accused the NFL of “forgetting its roots.” One caller in Alabama shouted: “We don’t want Spanish rap at halftime! We want American rap. Like ‘Cowboy’ and ‘Bawitdaba’!” (Both songs, incidentally, are still in English but 90% unintelligible, proving that true patriotism transcends enunciation.)
Kid Rock, for his part, wasted no time embracing his new role. At a press conference held inside a Bass Pro Shop, the rocker appeared shirtless, holding a bald eagle in one hand and a Budweiser tallboy in the other. “The NFL finally got its act together,” he growled. “This halftime show is gonna be 100% red, white, and loud.”
When asked if he planned to incorporate diversity into his performance, Kid Rock replied: “Of course. I’ll have a Harley-Davidson, a monster truck, and a mechanical bull on stage. That’s three kinds of American diversity right there.”
According to leaked set lists, Kid Rock’s halftime show will include hits like American Bad Ass, Born Free, and We The People. Rumors suggest he may also debut a new single called No More Woke Halftime Shows.
The performance is expected to climax with a fireworks display spelling out “USA” across the sky, accompanied by a choir of bald eagles screeching in unison.
Meanwhile, insiders claim that Jason Aldean and Toby Keith may join as surprise guests, possibly to perform a medley titled Don’t Try That In A Small Town Unless You’re Serving BBQ.
“Look, this is the kind of entertainment football deserves,” said one NFL fan while filling up his Ford F-150 at a gas station. “We want music that smells like gasoline and freedom, not something that makes us want to learn Spanish.”
Social media erupted after the announcement, with hashtags like #ByeBadBunny and #KidRockHalftimeTakeover trending within hours.
Conservative commentator Candace Owens posted: “Finally, the NFL listened. Football is American. Halftime shows should be too. Next step: replace field goals with monster truck jumps.”
Meanwhile, others lamented the change. One fan on Twitter wrote: “We could’ve had Bad Bunny turning the halftime stage into a global dance party. Instead, we’re getting Kid Rock turning it into a tailgate behind a Walmart.”
Shakira, who once co-headlined the Super Bowl halftime show with Jennifer Lopez, simply tweeted: “Ay bendito.”
The switch also created a frenzy among advertisers. Doritos, Pepsi, and Uber Eats had prepared Latin-inspired campaigns to align with Bad Bunny’s performance. Now, companies are scrambling to pivot.
Pepsi announced a new flavor called Freedom Fuel, described as “a mix of Bud Light, gasoline, and a hint of freedom tears.” Doritos, not to be outdone, launched Stars & Stripes Nachos, promising “one chip for every amendment.”
Meanwhile, Ford Motors confirmed they would sponsor the halftime stage by transforming it into the back of an F-150 truck. “We were planning to do this with Bad Bunny anyway,” a spokesperson admitted, “but it feels way more natural with Kid Rock.”
In a video posted to his Instagram account, Kid Rock addressed the controversy directly. “Listen, I don’t hate Bad Bunny. I just think the Super Bowl should be about Budweiser, barbecue, and freedom, not bunny rabbits who can’t even drive a monster truck. That’s all I’m saying.”
He then promised the halftime show would “bring back the Super Bowl spirit” and concluded his message by shooting a Bud Light can with a shotgun while fireworks exploded behind him.
While the NFL celebrates the decision, analysts warn it could alienate younger fans and international audiences. “Bad Bunny would have brought billions of eyeballs worldwide,” said one sports marketing expert. “Kid Rock will bring eyeballs, too — but most of them will already be bloodshot from shotgunning Busch Light.”
Still, the NFL is standing firm. “We’re not just producing a halftime show,” Goodell said. “We’re sending a message. And that message is: you don’t need subtitles when you’ve got America.”
As preparations ramp up for the big game, one question remains: will Kid Rock deliver the patriotic spectacle fans expect, or will his performance spiral into an unintelligible mash of guitars, pyrotechnics, and incoherent yelling?
If history is any indication, probably both.
Bad Bunny, for his part, took the news gracefully, tweeting: “Cool. I’ll just headline Coachella again.” Within minutes, the tweet racked up 10 million likes, reminding everyone that while Kid Rock may rule the halftime stage, Bad Bunny still rules the world.
But as one Detroit fan put it: “This ain’t about the world. This is about America. And nothing says America like Kid Rock yelling into a microphone while a monster truck does donuts at midfield.”
And with that, the NFL proved once again that no matter the controversy, nothing unites the country quite like football — and the sound of a Budweiser cracking open in unison with a power chord.
